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A comedy prophecy finally comes true, and it turns out you’re not allowed to eat McNuggets on roller coasters
It’s finally Friday, so let’s end this week on a high note with another edition of Nightcaps!
Isn’t it wild how, despite it being a holiday week wherein many of us only have to work for four days, things just drag?
I’m not sure what it is, but Memorial Day already feels like it was a month ago.
But hey, that’s what happens when you’ve got your nose to the proverbial grindstone, and boy, have we ever this week.
I feel like I’ve been working from the time I wake up until the time I go to sleep, and that included the very last thing I do before going to sleep (unless you count listening to old-timey radio shows through my Bluetooth sleeping mask, in which case it was the second to last thing).
All week, we’ve been talking about Bryce Harper’s bizarre toothpaste habit where he squirts the toothpaste straight into his mouth instead of on the bristles.
A reader tried it out on Thursday, so I figured I had to do my job as a Big J Journalist and do it myself.
So last night, as I was brushing my teeth in my sink and my wife in hers, I switched things up and shot a glob of Colgate Optic White straight into my mouth.
My wife looked at me like I was insane.
“It’s for work,” I said.
That’s one of the best things about this job, by the way. I wasn’t lying. Nor was I lying when I mixed up a Cuban sandwich mimosa at 10 a.m. on a Tuesday or when I had to sift through Instagram models’ pages for gold.
Anyway, I was hoping for some sort of life-altering epiphany that this was the way to do toothpaste, but I did not get there. It actually felt kind of awkward because I have been brushing my teeth one way twice a day for 30 years, so switching things up felt like trying to write your name with your left hand when you’re right-handed.
Maybe try the Harper method for yourself, but don’t expect to come away with a life-altering experience… it was kind of dumb of me to expect that, honestly.
There is no singular comedy bit more famous, repeated and parodied than Abbot and Costello’s “Who’s on first?” bit.
If you really think about it, it makes no sense. I mean, we’re supposed to believe there’s a guy named “I Don’t Know” on third?
I get it, but it’s hard to wrap your mind around the fact that, at the time, for a lot of people, this was the funniest thing that had ever been created in the history of mankind up to that point.
GUESS WHICH ‘HAPPY DAYS’ STAR JUST SHOT A NUDE SCENE (SORRY, LADIES; IT WASN’T DON MOST)
While it feels dated, it’s a great bit by vaudeville standards, and now, after all of these years, Who — or rather, Hu — is finally on first.
How great is that?
While I was sawing logs, dreaming about being a Viking or going to algebra class without pants on, the folks at Jeff Bezos’ space company, Blue Origin — *Andrew Dice Clay voice* It need duh money!!!! — was preparing to launch a payload of satellites into orbit from Cape Canaveral.
It did not go well.
Alright, an “anomaly.”
Well, what kind of anomaly were we talking about?
…Oh yeah, that’s a big anomaly.
I’m not going to sit here and play armchair rocket scientist, but you usually don’t want rockets doing that.
The aftermath is not pretty, and unfortunately, this could have some serious consequences for Blue Origin and NASA too as we work toward putting astronauts on the moon once again.
That’s bad, but it’s not quite as bad as I was expecting. From the explosion, I didn’t think you’d be able to see any living vegetation in that photo. I thought everything that you’d be able to fit in frame would just be matchsticks.
Still, a huge bummer and maybe the “anomaly” of the century so far.
I think it’s always good to put things in perspective, and if you had a tough week, at least be thankful you didn’t get stuck on a roller coaster.
Especially not on the vertical lift hill.
I’m becoming less of a roller coaster guy than I used to be, and this is not helping me put a stop to that.
My wife and I went on the newly Muppet-ized Rock ‘N’ Roller Coaster at Disney’s Hollywood Studios recently, and while I had been on that ride many times when it was Aerosmith-themed, I hopped out of it woozy as hell.
Same track. Older Matt.
And that’s a roller coaster that is low to the ground. This kind of nonsense where I could get stuck up in the air like that and get motion sickness?
Nah, I think I’m going to pass on that.
Plus, they won’t even let you eat McNuggets on them anymore.
Speaking of roller coasters, we’ve got a fella who earned a lifetime ban from Six Flags — do you realize what you have to do to get banned from Six Flags — and it was all because he let other idiots on the internet tell him what to do.
A follower told him to eat McNuggets while on a roller coaster, and when a random person tells you to do something on social media, you have to do it.
Sorry, those are the rules. I don’t make them.
So, Allen Ferrell crammed some chicken nuggets in his pants and hopped on a roller coaster.
I think what got him banned was splashing sweet-and-sour sauce all over the people behind him, but I’m personally in favor of banning anyone who does something stupid somewhere in the name of social media clicks from that place.
Oh, what’s that? You need to visit the emergency room? Well, you should have thought of that before you ran through the waiting room in an inflatable T-Rex costume.
Let’s end on a high note…
We’ve talked about explosions and roller coasters and idiots eating McNuggets on a roller coaster, so let’s wrap up with the kind of thing that will send you into the weekend on a high note…
Dogs trying lemons!
ZERO BS. JUST DAKICH. TAKE THE DON’T @ ME PODCAST ON THE ROAD. DOWNLOAD NOW!
This has joined the pantheon of funny things dogs can do. It’s up there with kicking over obstacle course cones and playing poker in paintings.
…
That’s it for this Friday edition of Nightcaps!
Have a great weekend!
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Trump Humiliates Top UK Leader At G7 With Chilling Move
President Donald Trump arrived at the G7 summit this week once again demonstrating why world leaders continue to look to Washington for leadership on the most pressing international issues.
While European leaders initially planned to focus discussions on Ukraine, trade, migration, and economic concerns, attention quickly shifted to Trump’s newly announced framework agreement with Iran—a diplomatic breakthrough that could reshape stability in the Middle East and strengthen global energy markets.
The president confirmed that both he and Vice President JD Vance electronically signed a memorandum of understanding with Iran on Sunday. Iranian Parliament Speaker Mohammad Bagher Qalibaf signed on behalf of Tehran.
Administration officials emphasized that the agreement represents only the first stage of a broader negotiation process designed to permanently address concerns about Iran’s nuclear ambitions while protecting American and allied interests.
“We’ll be releasing the text this week,” Vance said during a television interview on Monday.
“What everybody will see is that Iran doesn’t get a dime of money unless they perform their obligations.”
The vice president’s comments directly challenged media reports suggesting the agreement included hundreds of billions of dollars in reconstruction funding for Iran.
Instead, administration officials stressed that any future economic benefits would be entirely contingent on Iran fulfilling strict requirements established by the United States and its allies.
Vance dismissed reports of massive direct payments as misinformation and explained that any economic relief would primarily come through sanctions adjustments tied to verified compliance.
According to officials, Iran would be required to permanently abandon its nuclear weapons ambitions, eliminate enriched nuclear material stockpiles, and submit to extensive international inspections before receiving any meaningful economic benefits.
“So long as they honor their end of the obligation,” Vance explained, Gulf nations could potentially participate in reconstruction efforts only after Iran demonstrates full compliance with the agreement.
The framework marks a significant departure from years of escalating tensions that repeatedly threatened to destabilize the region and disrupt global energy supplies.
Administration officials also announced that the Strait of Hormuz—one of the most strategically important shipping routes in the world—is expected to fully reopen following the formal signing ceremony scheduled for Friday in Geneva.
The recent disruptions in the waterway have contributed to uncertainty in global energy markets and increased economic pressure on nations around the world.
British Prime Minister Keir Starmer acknowledged the importance of restoring normal operations in the strait.
“The strait being closed has had an impact on our economy and an impact on every household across the country,” Starmer said.
The British leader suggested that the United Kingdom could potentially assist with demining operations if necessary.
The summit also served as another reminder of America’s dominant role on the world stage under Trump’s leadership. While European leaders sought greater involvement in ongoing negotiations surrounding both Iran and Ukraine, much of the summit’s focus remained squarely on Trump’s diplomatic initiatives and high-profile meetings.
One particularly revealing moment occurred when Starmer appeared to be caught on a hot microphone asking whether Trump was holding another meeting elsewhere after the president met with French President Emmanuel Macron and Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky.
The incident sparked speculation in British media that Starmer had been sidelined during portions of the summit as world leaders sought opportunities to engage directly with the American president.
Starmer dismissed suggestions that he had been snubbed.
“We had very productive, very good conversations,” Starmer said.
Nevertheless, observers noted that the summit’s most significant developments centered on Trump’s diplomatic efforts rather than the priorities advanced by many European leaders.
The president also met separately with Zelensky as he continues advocating for a negotiated resolution to the war between Russia and Ukraine, a position that has increasingly gained attention among leaders seeking an end to the prolonged conflict.
Meanwhile, administration officials released additional details regarding the Iran framework agreement.
The United States will maintain its current military posture throughout a 60-day negotiation period while talks continue. Officials repeatedly emphasized that any economic concessions will remain tied to verified Iranian compliance and that enforcement mechanisms will remain firmly in place.
The administration’s approach reflects Trump’s longstanding strategy of combining diplomacy with strength—pursuing peace agreements while ensuring America retains leverage throughout the negotiation process.
As negotiations move forward, the agreement is being viewed by many observers as a significant diplomatic achievement that could reduce tensions in the Middle East, strengthen global economic stability, and further underscore America’s leadership role on the international stage.
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FBI Raids George Soros — Major Plot Narrowly Thwarted
Federal investigators executed a major raid Thursday on a Soros-funded voter mobilization organization in Ohio as part of an ongoing fraud investigation, marking the latest effort by the Trump administration to crack down on alleged election-related misconduct.
According to reports from MS Now, FBI agents raided the headquarters of the Ohio Organizing Collaborative (OOC) on June 11 and conducted interviews with individuals connected to the organization across the state. Some of those contacted reportedly received subpoenas or were asked to surrender electronic devices.
Sources familiar with the matter later told CBS News that the law enforcement activity was connected to a fraud-related investigation.
The operation represents another significant step in President Donald Trump’s broader push to investigate allegations of voter fraud and election integrity violations. Conservatives have long argued that such cases were not aggressively pursued by previous administrations and have welcomed increased federal scrutiny of organizations involved in voter registration and mobilization efforts.
The Ohio Organizing Collaborative is a nonprofit organization that works closely with Democratic Party-aligned causes in Ohio, focusing on voter registration, turnout efforts, and ballot initiatives. The group has received substantial financial support from major liberal donor networks, including organizations tied to billionaire George Soros.
While federal authorities have remained tight-lipped about the details of the investigation, the Department of Justice emphasized that the search warrants were approved through the normal judicial process.
“Search warrants are authorized by a judge, and anything said by any organization or others in the media is unfounded speculation, as the target of any investigation is not privy to the search warrant affidavit until after indictment,” a DOJ official told Fox News.
Financial disclosures show OOC has become a major force in Ohio politics. The organization reported more than $10 million in revenue during 2024 and has spent heavily on ballot initiatives and political campaigns.
Last year alone, OOC spent $250,000 opposing a Republican-backed effort related to abortion policy in Ohio and another $300,000 fighting a GOP redistricting initiative.
The group’s financial backing comes from a network of prominent Democratic-aligned organizations, including the Soros family’s philanthropic entities, the New Venture Fund, the Tides Foundation, and major labor unions such as the American Federation of Teachers and the Service Employees International Union.
Records show the Soros family’s Foundation to Promote Open Society provided approximately $1.9 million to OOC between 2019 and 2020. In addition, the Open Society Action Fund contributed $1 million to OOC’s affiliated organization in 2021 and another $1 million in 2023.
OOC leaders have sharply criticized the investigation, accusing the Trump administration of using federal law enforcement to target political opponents.
The organization has faced controversy before. In 2017, a paid canvasser associated with OOC pleaded guilty for his role in a fraudulent voter registration scheme, a case that continues to draw attention amid the current federal investigation.
OOC board member Prentiss Haney questioned the timing of the operation.
“How can they distract and intimidate civil rights leaders and voters and community leaders who are helping people get registered to vote, and create a national spectacle about it?” Haney told MS Now.
“That is the only reason why they would choose to do that, do it now, in the middle of a contested political election in the state. There’s no other reason. They have no evidence of that,” Haney added.
The investigation also comes after President Trump publicly criticized George Soros and his son, Alexander Soros, earlier this year.
“George Soros, and his wonderful Radical Left son, should be charged with RICO because of their support of Violent Protests, and much more, all throughout the United States of America,” Trump wrote on Truth Social.
“We’re not going to allow these lunatics to rip apart America any more, never giving it so much as a chance to ‘BREATHE,’ and be FREE. Soros, and his group of psychopaths, have caused great damage to our Country! That includes his Crazy, West Coast friends. Be careful, we’re watching you! Thank you for your attention to this matter!” Trump added.
As federal investigators continue their work, the raid is likely to intensify the national debate over election integrity, political activism, and the role of powerful donor-funded organizations in American elections.
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Bone-Chilling Details Emerge From White House Terror Plot
Federal authorities say they foiled a chilling terror plot targeting Sunday’s UFC Freedom 250 event on the White House South Lawn, preventing what investigators believe could have been one of the most devastating attacks on the nation’s capital in recent memory.
According to officials, five suspects are already in custody after the FBI uncovered a multi-phase attack plan that allegedly included explosive-laden drones, sniper teams, and an attempted assault on the White House itself.
The plot was reportedly aimed at the historic UFC event attended by President Donald Trump and thousands of supporters. Authorities say the attackers intended to use drones carrying explosives to strike buildings near the venue, creating chaos among attendees and forcing panicked crowds into predetermined kill zones where snipers would allegedly open fire.
Investigators say the operation did not stop there. Officials revealed that a “second wave” of attackers allegedly planned to exploit the confusion and attempt to breach the White House gates.
FBI Director Kash Patel credited law enforcement agencies for stopping the threat before it could be carried out.
The scheme was “stopped cold” on June 10 after investigators executed a search warrant in Cincinnati, where the first arrest was made.
Federal court documents identify California resident Michael Alan Thomas as one of the alleged organizers behind the operation.
According to an arrest affidavit, Thomas told investigators he believed the federal government is controlled by elites who sacrifice and eat children, had ties to Jeffrey Epstein, and are protected by President Trump.
Authorities say some members of the group traveled to Fredericksburg, Virginia, on June 12 or June 13 to conduct preparations for the planned attack.
The investigation uncovered extensive communications among the suspects. After examining an iPhone linked to one of the individuals, federal agents reportedly discovered at least 23 users participating in discussions on the encrypted messaging application Signal.
Investigators say those conversations included detailed planning for what could have become a catastrophic attack. Screenshots recovered by federal agents allegedly show maps of the UFC event being circulated among participants, along with discussions regarding potential sniper positions.
Law enforcement officials also recovered rifles and ammunition during the investigation.
According to the affidavit, one suspect told investigators that the goal of the operation was to target “capitalist elites,” “billionaires” and politicians who had received support from the American Israel Public Affairs Committee, known as AIPAC.
Sources familiar with the investigation told Fox News correspondent David Spunt that all five suspects currently in custody are American citizens. At this time, authorities say they have found no evidence suggesting any foreign involvement in the alleged plot.
Following the arrests, Patel praised the coordinated efforts of federal, state, and local law enforcement agencies.
“While the result represented the best of investigative work, it was also nothing out of the ordinary for this law enforcement team — we are built to detect, respond to, and bring to justice those who threaten the lives of American citizens — particularly during large gatherings like the historic UFC 250 fight,” Patel later wrote on X.
The UFC Freedom 250 event marked a major celebration coinciding with President Trump’s 80th birthday and drew approximately 4,300 attendees, including 1,200 active-duty military service members.
Officials estimate another 80,000 to 85,000 fans attended a ticketed watch party on the Ellipse south of the White House, while thousands more gathered on the National Mall to watch the event on giant screens.
The successful disruption of the alleged attack underscores the significant security challenges surrounding high-profile public events and highlights what officials describe as the vigilance of law enforcement agencies tasked with protecting both President Trump and the tens of thousands of Americans who attended the historic celebration.
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