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Jena Sims puts in work, sea lion launches itself into a canoe, and they don’t build statues like they used to

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Hey, welcome back for a Thursday edition of Nightcaps.

The weekend is so close I can almost taste it, and it’s… it’s… uh… weekend-iness.

Here in Central Florida, it has been nice and toasty all week, and this morning my wife and I hit the grocery store because we’re the worst grocery shoppers of all time. I think we go at least every other day. Sometimes multiple days in a row.

As we were leaving, I said to my wife, “This feels like perfect beach weather. We should do a beach day soon.”

Then I remembered: I’m not a beach guy.

I’m able to relax a bit better than I could in my younger days, but I’m the kind of guy that can only hang on the beach for about an hour, maybe two, before I’m like, “Alright, back to the air conditioning.”

I can appreciate its splendor, but I’m not big on sand. I’m like Anakin Skywalker in that respect; I just can’t stand it.

SUNBURN, SKY-HIGH ELECTRIC BILLS, AND OTHER AWFUL THINGS THAT MAKE SUMMER QUIETLY TERRIBLE

And then the ocean itself is just one big soup full of monsters that are either venomous or have teeth.

Hell, the ocean itself does its best to kill you with riptides.

Give me a pool over the ocean any day. I’m an elite pool guy. I can hang out at a pool with the best of them, so that’s where you’ll find me this summer.

And as if I needed another reason to steer clear of the ocean, I’ve got one…

I came across a video of some people in a canoe race (isn’t that part of everyone’s algorithm?), but before you take a nap because of how boring that sounds, I promise you, it gets interesting.

It turns out you might want to start checking these races out for the crashes.

Not between canoes, but when some rogue sea lions decide to yeet themselves out of the water and into one of the canoe racers’ laps.

Who knows why the sea lion did that, but there’s a nonzero chance that he was doing that to crack up his buddies.

It’s like the ocean mammal version of some broccoli-cut idiot going into a convenience store, dumping a 2-liter bottle of Mr. Pibb on the floor, and then going, “Bro, calm down; it’s just a prank,” when people get mad.

PUNK ROCK DACHSHUND GOES ROGUE, YETI CUP VS LAVA, AND WAS THE SCI-FI HORROR CLASSIC ‘ALIEN’ A CAUTIONARY TALE?

I think someone needs to study this. Nature is cool, but it can also be boring as hell, so sea lions have to do something to entertain themselves and not eat their offspring.

Some people rest on their laurels.

Jena Sims is not one of those people.

The Sports Illustrated swimsuit model and wife of pro golfer Brooks Koepka has already made a name for herself, but she’s still hitting the gym to stay in tip-top runway shape.

Now that’s the kind of commitment to the craft we can all appreciate.

JENA SIMS PICKS OUT HER PGA CHAMPIONSHIP BIKINI, KAY ADAMS SUCKS DOWN SOME FRIES & NFL DRAFT WAGS!

The grind just does not stop.

I just learned today that there’s a 70-foot-tall statue of Lionel Messi… in India.

It would make sense to me if it was in Argentina, but this statue was only put up recently after he did a tour across India.

But here’s the problem: this is one wobbly-ass statue, and they have to move it so it doesn’t fall over.

Add this to the list of ways that everything is worse now.

There are ancient civilizations that built statues thousands of years ago, and they’re still standing right in the same place. There was never a point where someone was like, “Hey, fellas, we’ve got to move the ancient Sphinx (they probably just called it ‘The Sphinx’) because we’re concerned it might fall over and smash some goats or that guy trying to invent paper.”

No, they built a good statue, and it outlasted all of them.

That statue is newer than anything I have in my underwear drawer, and it’s already threatening to tip over.

But, hey, at least it looks like Messi.

Cristiano Ronaldo wasn’t so lucky…

I don’t need an electric vehicle, but I’m far from anti-EV. I think they have some cool benefits and I really dig Formula E racing, but they’re just not going to work for everyone, especially if you live in a more rural area.

But even I, as someone who kind of digs EVs, sometimes wonder what car companies are doing when they release some of these, and I’m not alone on that with the Ferrari Luce.

When I first saw that, my reaction was, “That’s about as ‘meh’ of a design as you can think of.”

Then I realized this car is over like $600,000, and that almost made me puke on myself, and a lot of people felt the same.

I just can’t figure out who will want this. Don’t get me wrong, someone will, but if you’re shelling out that kind of money for a Ferrari, won’t you want something a little, oh, I don’t know, louder?

We’ll see how it goes. Ferrari Formula 1 driver Lewis Hamilton took it for a spin, but if that wasn’t enough to convince potential buyers, they really called in the big guns.

We’re on Day 3 of Toothpastegate after Phillies star Bryce Harper stunned the nation by squirting the toothpaste straight into his mouth when brushing his teeth instead of applying it to the bristles.

That led to some guff from the San Diego Padres, but Eric is checking in today with a full report after taking the Harper method for a test drive:

DANICA PATRICK BELTS OUT TUNES IN INDY, BRYCE HARPER’S TOOTHPASTE APPLICATION IS WILD, AND ‘MACHO MANSON’

I tried the Harper brush method. I liked it. It worked well and was very efficient. Those who think it may be unsanitary: ask yourself how many times have you borrowed someone’s toothpaste and squeezed it onto your brush, then clipping off the paste by sliding it down the edge of your brush. How many people have rubbed their used brush on the end of that tube, doing the same thing? And how is that less nasty than squeezing the toothpaste right into your mouth, as most science shows that toothbrushes left in bathrooms have a certain amount of fecal matter on them?? How much fecal matter do u think is in someone’s mouth?? Think about that.

I knew at some point “fecal matter” would get dragged into this debate. It always does.

Eric makes some compelling points.

ZERO BS. JUST DAKICH. TAKE THE DON’T @ ME PODCAST ON THE ROAD. DOWNLOAD NOW!

I’ve already done my morning brushing, but I think I might have to kick the tires on this one. I’m intrigued. Everything I ever knew about toothpaste application may have been a lie.

I will report back… unless I forget, which is not only possible, but very likely.

That’s it for this Thursday edition of Nightcaps!

See you tomorrow!

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BREAKING: US Diplomat Found Dead

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BREAKING: US Diplomat Found Dead

An American diplomat assigned to the U.S. Embassy in Myanmar has been found dead under mysterious circumstances, prompting a murder investigation that has already led to charges against a Thai national in the military-ruled Southeast Asian nation.

The State Department confirmed the death of the embassy employee but has remained tight-lipped about the details surrounding the case, citing privacy concerns for the diplomat’s family and loved ones.

“Out of respect for the privacy of the family and loved ones, we have no further information to provide at this time,” the State Department said in an emailed reply to questions from The Associated Press.

American officials stationed in neighboring Thailand, along with representatives from the U.S. Embassy in Myanmar, referred all inquiries back to the State Department, underscoring the sensitivity of the investigation and the limited public information that has been released so far.

According to members of Myanmar’s diplomatic community, the diplomat was discovered dead on May 11 at the Sakura Residence & Hotel in Yangon. The property serves as a long-term residence for diplomats, foreign business executives, aid workers, and other international visitors. Located roughly one mile from the U.S. Embassy, the hotel has long been considered a secure location frequently used by members of the diplomatic corps.

The circumstances surrounding the diplomat’s death remain unclear, and authorities have provided few public details about what investigators believe occurred inside the residence.

However, significant developments emerged this week when a Thai woman appeared in court and was formally charged in connection with the case. According to two attorneys familiar with the proceedings, the woman faces a murder charge as well as a separate immigration-related offense under Myanmar law.

If convicted, the penalties could be severe. Under Myanmar’s legal system, a murder conviction can carry a sentence ranging from 10 years in prison to life imprisonment or even the death penalty, depending on the circumstances of the case and the court’s findings.

Thailand’s Foreign Ministry confirmed that it has been providing consular assistance to the accused woman and has notified her family about the case. Officials declined to comment further on the allegations or the evidence being presented by prosecutors.

The case is unfolding against the backdrop of ongoing instability in Myanmar, which has been engulfed in political turmoil and armed conflict since the military seized power in a 2021 coup that ousted the democratically elected government of Aung San Suu Kyi.

Since then, the ruling military junta has faced growing resistance from pro-democracy groups, ethnic militias, and armed opposition forces. The conflict has expanded into a nationwide civil war that has left thousands dead and displaced millions, while drawing international condemnation from Western governments, including the United States.

The country’s military government maintains strict control over information, making independent reporting and transparency difficult. Authorities rarely release detailed information regarding criminal investigations, particularly those involving foreign nationals or diplomatic personnel.

Consistent with that pattern, police officials, prison authorities, and court representatives have all declined to publicly discuss the case involving the American diplomat. No official explanation has been provided regarding the cause of death, potential motives, or evidence supporting the charges against the Thai woman.

For now, many questions remain unanswered. U.S. officials have offered little information beyond confirming the diplomat’s death, while Myanmar authorities continue to conduct their investigation largely behind closed doors.

As the case moves through Myanmar’s judicial system, American officials, members of the diplomatic community, and the diplomat’s family are awaiting further answers about what led to the death of a U.S. government employee serving overseas in one of the world’s most volatile regions.

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Supreme Court Delivers Landmark Midterm Decision With 6-1 Ruling

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Supreme Court Delivers Landmark Midterm Decision With 6-1 Ruling

Florida Republicans notched a major victory this week after the Florida Supreme Court handed Gov. Ron DeSantis and GOP lawmakers a significant legal win, ruling that the state’s newly drawn congressional map will remain in place for the 2026 midterm elections.

In a decisive 6-1 ruling, the court rejected an emergency effort by left-leaning voting-rights organizations seeking to block the map before voters head to the polls this fall. The decision ensures that Florida’s elections will proceed under the congressional districts approved by the Republican-controlled Legislature during a special session earlier this year, bringing much-needed certainty to the state’s electoral process.

The legal challenge was brought by the Equal Ground Education Fund and several allied groups, which claimed the map was drawn to benefit Republicans and therefore violated Florida’s Fair Districts Amendment. That amendment, approved by voters in 2010, prohibits lawmakers from intentionally drawing districts to favor or disadvantage a political party.

The plaintiffs sought an injunction that would have prevented the map from taking effect while their broader lawsuit continued through the court system. However, Florida’s highest court declined to intervene.

Writing for the majority, the court emphasized that the case should proceed through the normal judicial process before the Supreme Court becomes involved.

“At this time, we do not have jurisdiction over that matter,” the majority opinion stated.

The justices further made clear that they would not assume future rulings from lower courts would automatically warrant Supreme Court review, signaling a commitment to allowing the judicial process to play out as designed.

The ruling provides stability for Florida voters, election officials, and candidates as the election season rapidly approaches. With candidate qualifying deadlines looming and election preparations already underway, the court’s decision removes uncertainty that could have disrupted the electoral process.

Justice Jorge Labarga was the lone dissenter.

Labarga argued that the court should have immediately stepped in because of the statewide significance of the dispute and the fast-approaching election calendar.

“Unfortunately, for now, and with a filing deadline and an election fast approaching, we will not have the opportunity to review the issues of statewide importance raised in the petitioners’ efforts to enjoin Florida’s 2026 congressional map,” Labarga wrote.

Notably, Labarga remains the only member of the Florida Supreme Court who was not appointed by a Republican governor.

The decision marks yet another victory for DeSantis, who has consistently argued that Florida’s congressional districts should comply with recent federal court rulings limiting the use of race in redistricting decisions. The governor has maintained that districts drawn primarily around racial considerations face increasing constitutional scrutiny and should be revisited to ensure compliance with federal law.

Following those court rulings, DeSantis pushed for changes to portions of Florida’s congressional map that had previously been crafted with race-based considerations in mind. Rather than waiting for lawmakers to formulate a proposal, the governor’s office took an active role in developing a new map.

Jason Poreda, an aide to DeSantis, drafted the congressional plan that was ultimately presented to lawmakers. Republican legislators later adopted the proposal without making changes, reflecting strong support for the governor’s approach.

Predictably, Democrats and voting-rights activists immediately objected to the new districts, citing testimony regarding partisan voting data and public statements discussing potential Republican advantages under the map. Supporters of the plan countered that the changes were driven by evolving legal standards and recent court decisions, not partisan considerations.

Florida’s 28 congressional seats make it one of the nation’s most influential political battlegrounds. Republicans believe the new map could help solidify the party’s position in the state and strengthen efforts to maintain or expand the GOP majority in the U.S. House of Representatives.

The Florida case is part of a larger national battle over congressional redistricting as states across the country grapple with court rulings that continue to reshape election law. Republicans have increasingly argued that district maps should be based on constitutional principles and equal representation rather than race-based political engineering.

While the underlying lawsuit remains active and could continue through Florida’s courts, the Supreme Court’s decision ensures that the 2026 elections will move forward under the current map.

Justice Adam Tanenbaum highlighted that point in a separate concurring opinion, emphasizing the importance of certainty as election season nears.

“The people of Florida can rest assured that elections will take place this year,” Tanenbaum wrote.

His statement underscored what many Republicans view as the central takeaway from the ruling: Florida voters now have clarity, election officials can move forward with confidence, and the state’s democratic process can proceed without last-minute judicial interference.

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The Moment Trump Supporters Have Waited For — Happens At 4pm

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The Moment Trump Supporters Have Waited For — Happens At 4pm

Here’s a rewritten version in a more engaging, conservative news style:

President Donald Trump signaled Thursday that his patience with Iran has run out, declaring there will be “no more negotiation” after accusing the regime of dragging out talks while continuing to resist U.S. demands.

During an appearance on Fox & Friends, Trump said Iran has squandered multiple opportunities to reach an agreement and warned that the United States remains prepared to increase pressure if Tehran refuses to comply.

“Well, that could happen if we want to keep going,” Trump said when asked about reports that Iran had been given a final ultimatum. “And the deal is a very good deal. The problem with the deal — it could be the greatest deal in history. They could wave the white flag of surrender.”

The president mocked media coverage that he believes has downplayed Iran’s deteriorating military position.

“‘We surrender. We’re finished. Praise be to Allah,’” Trump said, describing what he believes would be required before some outlets would acknowledge a U.S. victory. “And they could do all of this loud and clear, and the fake news would say it was a great victory for Iran.”

Trump then painted a grim picture of Iran’s military capabilities, claiming U.S. operations have crippled much of the country’s defensive infrastructure.

“We’re killing them. They have no navy. No air force. No anti-aircraft,” Trump said. “We are flying planes over the middle of Tehran and they don’t have any idea.”

According to Trump, U.S. actions have severely damaged Iran’s radar systems, missile launchers, drone capabilities, and air defenses.

“We’ve knocked out all their radar, all of their anti-aircraft, much of their missiles — probably less than 20%,” he said. “Most of their launchers, the missile launches, which is quite important. Their drone capacity is way down. Their attacks are very minor. They’re finished.”

The president also blasted major media outlets for what he described as misleading coverage of the conflict.

“And yet the fake news — just like with the election — the fake news is out there saying, ‘Wow, Iran is doing just so well. Trump is doing terribly,’” he said.

Trump specifically singled out MSNBC host Joe Scarborough, saying he recently watched a portion of Morning Joe and was stunned by the program’s portrayal of events.

“I watched it yesterday, one of his shows for five minutes,” Trump said. “This fake Joe Scarborough talking about how well Iran is doing. Where did that come from? It’s just the craziest thing.”

Despite Trump’s tougher rhetoric, Fox News anchor Bret Baier reported Wednesday that the president remains cautiously optimistic that a diplomatic resolution is still possible.

“I talked to him today, and there was this sense of optimism — cautious optimism — that they maybe get to a deal soon,” Baier said during America Reports.

At the same time, tensions remain high. Baier noted that Iranian state media announced a new authority intended to regulate traffic through the Strait of Hormuz, one of the world’s most critical shipping routes. The proposal would require vessels to obtain authorization before crossing the strategic waterway, a move likely to face resistance from the international community.

Additional details emerged Wednesday regarding recent U.S. military operations. Fox News correspondent Trey Yingst revealed that Trump personally contacted him from the Situation Room shortly before American forces launched another wave of strikes against Iranian military targets.

According to Yingst, the president described the operation before it began, underscoring the administration’s confidence in its military strategy.

Following the strikes, Trump took to Truth Social to deliver a blunt assessment of Iran’s condition.

“Iran’s Military is a complete and total mess,” the president wrote.

With negotiations appearing increasingly fragile and military pressure intensifying, the coming days could prove decisive in determining whether Iran returns to the negotiating table—or faces even greater consequences from the United States.

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